Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
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if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
o shit
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.