#DesignFail
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So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
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OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend