Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.