Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?