Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
goldfish mafia
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Velcrow
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.