Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.