Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
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when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
A small tragedy.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car