My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
You Might Also Like
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?