on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline