*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
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My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.