Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 馃槵
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men鈥檚 restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.