Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
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Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The best plant holders?