I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I hope they boil the right one.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
so this horse walks into a bar
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.