Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
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when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Just as the prophecy foretold
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]