“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Money is the root of all wealth
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*