The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Erm I’m gonna say no
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
security at the airport getting more straightforward
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Meeeee too!
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking