At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
If you’re testing me, we failed.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I hope they boil the right one.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”