If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Haha good job!!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
a public service announcement
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.