me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
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Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.