A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
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Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Why is this me 😫
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
At least try to make it slightly believable
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane