babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
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When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.