God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
You Might Also Like
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas