[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
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I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Our lord and savoury.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Home #decor warning.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding