Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”