“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
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I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
dutch so unserious
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me