During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.