My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I’m not lazy
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I triple waxed for this?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.