Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.