Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.