the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
what
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend