When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
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I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket