“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
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I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket