Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
This chloroform smells expensiv…