what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
You Might Also Like
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
our love story in four pictures
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”