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Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
what day is it?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Kids forever killing vibes 💀