Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.