I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?