I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
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[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: