things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
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Things will get butter, keep churning
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.