As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good