first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
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The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The game has officially changed 😎
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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