Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.