wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Sell your car
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
the last thing a carrot sees
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.