Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
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When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!