I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Lmao 🤣
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.