Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
This did not end as expected.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.