I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
When I laugh on my period
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!