girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
You Might Also Like
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.