New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!