*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
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Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Anyone really
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
The Sun
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.